When we first started our Ministry, our church was very small, so my wife (Hope) and I did all of the pre-marriage counseling. I remember listening to so many couples, wondering how long it would take for two twenty-somethings to make the statement almost every couple made at some point: “We want to get married because we’re in love, and we’re committed to starting fresh from here on out. We’ve agreed we’re not bringing our past into it—no past relationships, no past hurts, no interfering from his and my family—it’s just me and him, and we’re not bringing any of that into our present.”
Every time, I remember thinking: “Bull…crap.”
It sounds good, you’ve probably heard it from your parents, your friends, or even your Pastor, but it’s not reality. I promise you, the way you were raised is coming right into that marriage, your past is coming into that marriage, and so is everything and everyone you are connected to now, or have been connected to in the past.
If you came from a broken home, you’re going to carry that void right into the marriage. If you had a daddy that was abusive or had addictions in your family, you’ll bring that pain and even some manifestation of the behavior into your marriage. If you were abused, molested, or raped, it’ll show up at some point and affect your intimacy. Maybe you didn’t have any of that kind of stuff in your family, but you might marry somebody that did! You didn’t think you were going to inherit all that, but the reality is that on some level (either naturally, spiritually, or both), you marry everything connected to your spouse—you marry all of their family members, you marry Pookie, Ray-Ray, and everyone else who hurt them before you.
Ladies, there will be times where he will say something one day and you’re going to overreact and he is going to say, “Whoa! Where did that come from?” He will have hit a sore spot, even though up until that point he didn’t realize it was even there. Intentionally or not, we come into a relationship with secrets. When we date, we only show the best of ourselves, but through marriage, the curtain is slowly pulled back to reveal who we really are, and it can be a scary and surprising process for both parties involved.
Remember: When you hit someone in the arm where there’s already a bruise, you get an over-reaction. Wherever you get an over-reaction, you’ve discovered a bruise, a place that hasn’t yet been healed.
I LIKE THIS APOSTAL I LIKE THIS, GOD BLESS YOU SIR………..
[...] Relationship Builder: Pookie, Ray-Ray, and all the baggage | Ron … [...]
This is so true so you can never hear this enough times. Many times you are not even aware you have a sore spot. Having a plan of how to deal with such situations or how to fight is good and can come into play during these times. But, most couples never have a fighting plan and just react. There is no recovery plan from the reaction. A relationship is an unspoken contract and every contract should have a plan. No bs, it’s true!
We’d all like to believe that the person we are going to marry dropped straight out of Heaven but this is simply not the truth. I agree that we must resign ourselves to the fact we will be marrying someone with issues from the past -some of these maybe even being major!! But I’ve seen the effects of these limited (and/or overcome) by the presence of good examples, the influence of God’s word and addressing of the strongholds by the authority of God’s word. But it seems clear there can be no hiding our heads in the sand about the issues. When I get married I will be counting on these to do the trick…but still pray VERY hard for me good people!! haha
This should be required reading for dating and married couples. Dating couples need to hear the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth. Married couples need to know what they are experiencing is par for the course. The ‘junk in the trunk” will reveal itself sooner or later in relationships. Couples reading this Relationship Builder can at least prepare before the “I do’s” which could become, “heck no! I don’t!” (I don’t wanna marry Pookie ‘nem, and Ray-Ray or deal with the baggage.
Thank you for an informative, insightful, entertaining, and truthful article. I wish many more read and share it!
Amen keep on telling it ,like it really is Apostle !!!
This is o true and i am wondering, how do you then deal with this when….i like the Rock’s response that “I’ve seen the effects of these limited (and/or overcome) by the presence of good examples, the influence of God’s word and addressing of the strongholds by the authority of God’s word” I want to hear more positive testimonies of how they’ve worked this out rather than it breaking their mariages.
many of the things mentioned in the article seem like such common sense but yrt we still think that our personal situation will be different. We are all products of our respective environments and experiences. The reason many of us struggle in marriage is because we don’t use the dating stage to do a thorough discovery about our significant other. We start seeing ourselves at the altar getting married when we have not fully assessed if we should even be connecting with the other individual at all. We cannot compare our personal experiences to what others think or believe but we must use the Bible as the yardstick by which we measure what it is we shoud be doing……
Oh, man! I’ve preached this one to myself countless times! I’ve lived with that concept most all my life. Although, through HIS grace I’m slowly learning to do my homework in my relationship. I’ve learned that even though a man and a woman can both be a christian – doesn’t mean they can cohabitate together! Need to do my HOMEWORK!