Whenever I get the opportunity to speak at singles conferences around the world, I talk to singles about how they feel like their biological clocks are ticking. They find themselves at age 27, never having been married, and they feel desperate to find the right one and make it work. I explain to them the real problem: You’ve got to date long enough to see your partner in every season of life, or date them long enough to see what it’s like to be with them when things are great for them, and also how they live when things aren’t going so great. How do they respond when life kicks them in the teeth? How do they treat you in front of their family? How do they treat you in front of their friends? How do they communicate to you when they have a stomach virus and are stuck in the bathroom for 3 days? You have to learn this information the hard way, you can’t just sit down in Starbucks for hours and pour your heart out to somebody on the third date. They’ve not earned that information yet. They don’t deserve that information yet. That’s building intimacy.
In a relationship, as you move from your first date to marriage, there are three levels; an outer court, an inner court, and then the third level I refer to as the “Holy of Holies.” If you’ve been with him three times, he’s supposed to still be out there in the outer court somewhere, and he doesn’t need (or deserve) to hear about your custody battle. You’re giving your heart away too fast. Every day in life, people give sensitive things away to people who haven’t yet earned it. This third area, the Holy of Holies, is reserved for the person you’re called to be in covenant with. That’s where you know her flaws, you know his weaknesses, you know her hurts, you know his experiences, and you’ve felt each other’s pain. But before you get there, you have to respond to several seasons of life to know that you have earned that level of my intimate knowledge.
Here’s the dilemma that my wife (Hope) and I see all too often in marriages, and that you may have experienced yourself. So many couples moved from the outer court to the Holy of Holies way too fast. You got married before you came upon all the seasons you needed to experience together first, and now you’re in a season that feels like it’s about to rip your marriage apart. If you had experienced that season together before you got married, you would know whether or not you’re both equipped to handle it in the first place.
Amazing! I’ve been leading a small bible study on friendships and how to develop the right ones, and this is what I’ve been telling the girls in the group. You can’t share with an outer court person something that only a Holy of Holies person has the right to hear. They will not respect the information and share it with others. Our bible group actually call each other HOHs (Holy of Holies). Thanks for your wisdom!
This is good Apostle I needed to hear this. We need a single conference at the church. RWOC also us singlemothers really need to hear this ..
Wow, Thank you Apostle for speaking out for the singles! We seem to be the forgotten group! That was a great host of information you conveyed for the young. I enjoy your teaching on how to prepare myself for and select a mate to share my life with. I wish I had been taught those lessons in my youth before I got married in my late Teens! Well, from that mistake I know it is never too late to learn from the past. Therefore, I would love for you to take your attention to singles over 45 yrs old. Everywhere you go, on TV, listening to radio talk shows and even at our home Redemption everyone is targeting the Youth and Young Adults as if my generation did not exist!. Some people seem to see no value in us old folks trapped between the ages of 40 to 100 it seems in my experience. The Young Adults I see today in Leadership positions do not value the Older Generation like my generation and that of my Parents generation did. So, when programs are created and events planned the Singles get left out. For example when the word “Singles” is said most people right away think of the Young Adult under 30 or 35. Well, people like me who are in the age gap of 45 yrs older and running are totally forgotten and or ignored in Church events. We are now shockingly single after lengthy marriages that ended in divorce and raising children. Our golden years are before us and we are doomed to enter into it alone. We are ripped with wisdom and still young enough to have energy in life to make a difference from the life lessons we learned. But due to ignorance and or lack of knowledge of GOD, etc…our spouses have left and went their own way. And the Young Adults in charge now see no value in our wisdom to host events targeted at our age group. We have more time and more resources to bring in to the church since we are not married. So, we gather together in silence at the 35 and over Singles Ministry to heal and grow through our life lessons on a Friday night through rain or snow we come to meet. But now our time with the group has been endangered and bombarded with changes in the links Ministry beyond our control or input. “Singles” from the under 30 and their kids now are controlling our time to be together. Now people 35 to 49 have no group of their own or any support to lean onto for friendship and support. The Single Group 50 yrs old don’t want us in their Group and have their own activities. People 35 to 49 need a place to call their own and a place to host our own activities. We do not affect the churches budget. So, anyway I am asking that if you are considering hosting a “Singles” convention or any type of event for singles that you “single out” the Singles over 45 from the rest of the “young” singles who are seeking to discover themselves and let us have our moment in time like the Couples in the Marriage Conferences to find our potential opportunities to meet our mates. We are not old enough for a “Nursing Home” and we are too young to live life alone. We just want an opportunity to share our greatness with someone who can appreciate us for being us. So, please think about the age gap when mixing us together with the younger generation who needs more time to simmer in the earth than the older generation do. For they are not as seasoned in the earth as we have been. Our lessons on dating require a different “touch or should I say tune-up” than a lesson on dating for a young person who has never been married. Please consider hosting a singles conference for the older generation which can save a lot of souls in my opinion. Because history has taught us that loneliness is one of the biggest killer of people. And GOD said it is “not good” for man to be “alone” Love ya!
Thank you, Elana-Julia
Although I do agree that alot of people end up in a tough situation, please bear in mind that people can be together for years and through many seasons in life and find themselves in divorce or seperation. I knew my husband 2 months before we were engaged and 4 months before we were married, I hadn’t seen him in every season but I went on what I did know…God said this is the one and my husband experienced the same thing. We have had some very difficult things happen in our marriage but we have remained in a marriage that is consistent and growing because the foundation was always what we went back to…GOD PUT US TOGETHER. Even when we didn’t know how to speak to on e another we knew we could turn to our Father and say “you said this is the one, so show us the way” and it would always get through and get even better, now after 17 years of marriage and counting although I definetly encourage someone to get to know the person they are going to be with, I also tell them not to limit how God works and/or put Him on some kind of time scale!
Thank you for your insight into relationships… I am in the same boat as Angela. I met my ex-husband in church , we dated for 4 months and were engaged for 8 more. There were, of course, red flags but when you are “in love” you pass them by as fleeting moments. I just wish that I had paid more attention before letting him into my HOH. God has helped me through and I praise Him for his mercy to keep me strong.
This is good stuff. I just learn of a good friend of mine’s son who wants to get married yesterday. I will send this to her for them. They are 26 and 27 respectively. Great!
This is a very good message. I have never heard relationship levels explained like this. Thank you for the insight. I also agree with Elana’s post. Most ministries do not consider singles over 40, the middle agers. Single ministries are geared toward the 18 to 35 age group. As someone over 45 yrs. old, I still could benefit from a ministry geared to my age group.