I often times find myself wondering why so many people keep ending up with people that don’t suit them. In all my observations, I have noticed one thing that too often leads people to settle for someone wrong for them: Some people get married for no other reason than to justify the sexual relationship they’re involved in. They feel so much pressure from the church, from their families, from whomever, that they end up marrying a monster. They feel that getting married will justify what’s been going on, and everything will be fine, regardless of whether or not that other person truly suits them outside the bedroom.
So many people have never learned how to date without sex, how to have a courtship that does not get physical. It’s pretty simple to figure out why people have this problem: everything in our society promotes physical relationships. Everything on TV, and in the media promotes sex. People have sex before holding hands, before they dance, and in fact, dancing is practically sex now.
That’s why so many people come into church, and get saved, and seriously want to serve God, but they feel the pressure and the weight to justify what they’re doing in their relationships. They feel the only way to justify what they do physically is to get married, because the church tells them it’s all right to have a sex as long as it is within the marriage covenant. But you still have to make sure that relationship is suitable for you. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and marrying simply to validate a sexual relationship will only cause more relationship problems further down the road.
this is true Apostle seriously how do we change the attitudes and lifestyles of our singles (im a single) when there is so much focus and emphasis on relationships and being married. Most leaders are married most events even if the people are single they are “hooked up”. If you are over 30 and not married or never been married there is a stigma and who do you connect with intimately and affectionately but not romantically of the opposite sex?( Not just biblical but applicable .)
i agree completely… marrying for the sake of just validating some reasons to continue on the sexual relationship is wrong. only more pain will come from it. repentance and humility with lots of prayer and accountability should be the way to go.
So true apostle!
You are so right, been there done that twice I could preach this from experience. Thank you for being so bold as to say it so hopefully someone else will read this and realize don’t do it.
Amen, I have done this! IThank God for forgiveness and the truth, thank you Pastor Carpenter
I’ve done that to many times myself.You want to please everyone plus your self and forget about who we’re really suppose to be making happy& serving. Thank you Ron for teaching & boldness
Not only is what Apostle Ron said true, but Bri-Gette is correct as well being over 40 and single is like having a disease. You get the look, the questions, as to why. And then as a single female, men are intimidated because you have a house, car, career. It’s frustrating! I sit in a park and even the drunks and druggies have a partner and you begin to question, why? And then married folk tell you, you’ll find someone!, when, where, becomes my question. Even in the church, the singles ministries are run by married people, I’m not sure how that helps singles. Anyway, thank you Apostle, for at least recognizing we are out there.
This is a great post. Today it’s SO hard to find people who share this moral view. And when you previously followed the world in the way of relationships and sex, and try to change that act mid-relationship… PHEW it’s not easy. I’ve come to realize that men and women alike, Christian and non-Christian… SO many people look at you cross-eyed when you share the view of waiting until marriage… ESPECIALLY when you didn’t previously live that way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “Why bother, it’s not like you can grow back your virginity”. Ouch. It’s a huge blessing when you can find someone, anyone, to share the view of waiting until marriage so you can truly cultivate a healthy relationship where the first “communication” isn’t in the bedroom. Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me going when this issue comes up, is remembering that there ARE actually people (and in my own church, thank God) who agree with me… and agree with God.
All true but tell us how we find a man who gets that. I have been single for over 20 yrs — forever!! I have not dated in several YEARS because its always the same thing — the line “Its not like you’re a virgin or anything so lets not play games”. In church and out, its the same. The men think if you are saying I am not going to go there that you are playing a game. I know its society and I live in it too but I know the Hand on me and I am not gonna rock that boat!
Preach it, brother!
Apostle, that is soo true, I been there and done that, and had a realization of how spiritual sex is, that is why it is intended for married people. You are joining spiriits with that person when you have sex, which creates a stronghold when you are not married, and it leaves you feeling like you can’t be without that person even when you know they are wrong for you. We have to flee fornication, so we dont create strongholds in our life that lead to grief and sorrow.
great message pastor Ron, so much needed in the world we live in today.
thank you, and God Bless you.
I can identify with what Monica stated. I’m a widow for now almost three years. I was married for 25 years. The single world is so much different now with its attitudes regarding relationships and sex. Courtship and romance seem to be insignificant or non-existent in this digital age. Anything that requires more attention than a nanosecond of time is too long it seems. Yes, having a house, car and career seems to intimidate some men and it is frustrating. It’s not enough to say, “Oh you’ll find someone”. Where do we go to find opportunities to meet other singles with at the very least a common belief in the foundational truths set by God that govern relationships? Good gardens like good relationships don’t just happen you gotta have good seed and good dirt, water and sunlight. I believe that we have all these elements “in the house” we just need to figure out how to put them all together because quite frankly I’m tired of sitting in parks and looking at other peoples gardens.
Let’s be real here. Rushing into marriage because of some sexual relationship is just a fruit, not the root of the problem. The root of the problem is la shifting and blurred gender roles — this is basic sociology. Women/girls are running around without protection from fathers and brothers, and hence making poor sexual judgments. As a result sex has been cheapened because men can get it quite easily, and marriage has been devalued. If sex was harder to come by and divorce was harder to obtain, then people would exercise more caution in who they marry.
Preach it apostle!
Great message Paster Ron, I have been there and done that. It is very hard to live in this world but not do as they do. I lived just like them for 45 years of my life, but for the past 4 years I have chosen to live as the Lord Commands, it is not easy but the reward of obediance is much greater than anything this world has to offer. it is a choice we make, i praise the Lord for giving me His strength and wisdom to do His will in my life. I thank you for your message Paster Ron, may the Lord bless you and your ministry.
What about all the questions you ask your self because you are a 47 year old virgin and christian and would like to share so many things with the right person but cant find them.Is there something wrong with me that I cant have them blessings ??? What am I doing wrong ????Believe me the questions go on AND ON…………
AMEN!!! A church I was attending a year ago, had it in for all the singles… all that was preached was MARRY OR BURN. I am 42 and a single mother of two… (18 & 13) and I certainly do not want to enter into a marriage because I feel I should be… so I wont have sex again before marriage.
I am with a man now who I’ve known for more than 10 yrs., we have never been together intimately. Not because we couldn’t, but again… 42 aint 22 and I do not know what lies ahead… but if we’re going to marry… it wont be to get a license to have sex.
Thanks for the teaching on this topic…
So very true. Personal experience has shown me the wrong way to develop a relationship.
[...] Relationship Builder: Sex Before Marriage | Ron Carpenter [...]
Yes, this is real life issues- and people perish for lack of knowledge- when you know better you have an opportunity to do better.
WOW! this is so true. i’ve been in an abusive marriage for 9 years to a man i married for this exact reason. when i gave my life to God, i didn’t want to keep “living in sin” and instead of dealing with the sin, i married this man to justify it. Then as things continued to go from bad to worse, i committed to trying to make the marriage work because God hates divorce. i’ve been afraid to walk away from the marriage all of these years for fear of committing another sin in divorcing this man. i finally decided 2 months ago to leave the marriage because i want me and the 4 children we have together to live in peace. i wasn’t sure if that would please God at first but i have to believe that He loves me so much that He will forgive me for the sin of divorce and I hope He will give me another chance at finding true love.
apostie you have no idea how bad it is some of the things that i see out in the real world makes me wonder what GOD would do to help us to fix some of our childrens thinking I PRAY THAT HE WILL HELP US IN THIS AREA
Many people mistake lust for love. I been down the road of getting married to justify having sex and man it was a big mistake. Some years ago after my divorce, I realized that I lusted my ex-husband more then I loved him and the same was with him. This goes to anyone who feels pressured into getting married because you can’t stop fornicating, wait on the Lord and seek his face. He will give you the strength to over come your temptation. You’ll be much happier by not doing something to justify sin.
so true….the sad thing is that even in our churches today people dont share this view. am still a virgin and its been tough becos even fellow christians mock my standard. still hvnt seen a guy who shares the same values with me even in church!! phew..
God bless you pastor. I admit it is not easy to keep oneself in this world where everything points towards sex. Trusting in God to help us is the key, as nothing can be achieved by just deciding. God will see us through